Pimpstress Prayer

As I wake to start another day, 
Please forgive me for the mind games that I intend to play, 
And for the heart's, cold, I shall turn, 
All because my heart, too, was once burned 
But know that a devil, I was never intended to be 
I wasn't born this way 
I acquired the taste naturally 
And know that I realize that I need to change 
I guess that is why you have 
Already sent a man 
Block's within my heart's range 
The same one who is caught up 
And just as twisted as me 
Yet every night, he's all that I see 
My Adam, while all others are duplicates of his rib 
Please give me the strength to want to lose myself 
Trust myself 
Acknowledge myself 
And find peace outside of the streets 
Love in my heart 
And acceptance in yours 
Allow the heart's that I have decimated 
To heal 
And forgive me for all of my ill will 
And let them know that they were just the marks 
From the deception of my own hurt and pain 
Through my deception 
Allow them to recognize real love 
And grab it with a hunger 
A thirst 
The same zest that I will one day need in me 
Hope to one day receive 
As my welcome home 
And my au revoir out of the game 
Like a parolee out from a prison sentence 
Fire tamed 
My jail break 
I am free!

--Anesa Laneigh
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Let's Talk: My Journey of Self-Love

As you become more clear about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you - the first time around.

-Oprah Winfrey

Can you honestly say that you know yourself? Do you know you worth? Your passions? Your purpose on this earth? These are questions that I have been pondering for months now. I'm finding that it's hard trying to let go of everything you have ever known and learned to genuinely self-reflect. I consider it a moment that I am able to reconstruct my sense of self and how to take better care of myself.

I was born in an one parent household to a hard-working mother and a sidelined supportive father. My mother hid her struggle to keep the home I have grown up in, continue her education, raise two daughters, and maintain her sanity. In the midst of these methods to simply survive, I don't remember a time where my mother has spoke to me about self-love. She taught me how to read, how to write, how to cook, how to compete, how to succeed; but not once did she tell me to find love within myself. I grew up looking at love as this emotional feeling that you feel when you finally meet "the one." What I am soon finding out is that it take two to tango and that you must first love yourself before you try to love someone else.

I had fallen into a mild depression in September 2015. This mild depression made me insecure, unmotivated, concerned about my future, and super sad. I began to pick up unhealthy habits that would have eventually led me down a different road, I steered away knowing and loving God, and I had lost a sense of purpose in everything I participated in. I felt lonely, sad, and fake. My turning point to find self-love came after I realized that I was lacking something in my life. I wanted to find purpose and light.

My first step in finding self-love, I reflected on who I thought I was in the past. I believe that an individual's past plays a big role in identifying who they are. What was wrong with this method and what became an eye opening moment for me was that the person that I thought I was, was really someone who had been told who they were. In reality, I had no idea what my strengths and weaknesses were, my likes or dislikes were, or even why I chose to do certain things. Realizing this, I became more sad and confused. I realized that the things that I thought I knew for sure were to please others--more specifically, my parents. My parents had always been supportive, but I fought so hard to be the "good" child and to please my parents, that I lost my true personhood. I'm not saying, that I'm a complete ball of confusion because I worked hard to please my parents; but I can honestly say that my decisions never 100% reflected my true wants.

Today, I am still on my journey. It has been 6 months of speaking my truth. I am no longer voiceless; I am no longer sad; I am no longer as lost as I use to be. I found a new love in God and have been asking for guidance and understanding. Learning about myself has been a rewarding experience. I found happiness in being true to myself.

Now, I love myself more every day!